Playlist #8: Nicksy battles the rejection robots
People say you shouldn't admit always seeking validation from others, but that's the side effect of being passed over for other folks all your life.
A problem with the “once monthly” thing that I should have realized long before I committed to it is that you’re kind of forced to have a theme bringing together those few installments that you do have. I’m thinking of David Byrne’s monthly playlists, which are bound together by a common thread, no matter how loose it is. His playlist (sorry, show) for this month, for instance, are songs that take off a rumination of the etymology of the word “August”.
As for me, well… as I mentioned last month, I’m not a compelling, irresistible personality; neither my preferences nor my day-to-day affairs can carry this thing if it is to go beyond something only people I know would pay some attention to. But circumstances meant I launched this thing in part to distract myself from a break-up, and that became the thread, and honestly, I’ve had enough of it. Nobody wants to watch someone seemingly wallow in the past, even if grief—and the anger that sometimes results from it—cannot be waved away just by telling someone to “move on”.
So, how do I tie this month’s playlist together?
I suppose I’ll have to remember how this concept originally came together, even before the events of the past twelve months happened. When I was in high school, I dreamed of working in radio—but then, I had the misguided idea that DJs chose the music they played, even if only what gets played when, because obviously they’re picking from a small pool of songs. What I learned from several failed attempts to join student DJ programs on Manila’s pop stations is that they’re looking for someone with a good radio voice. I have a lisp, so that eliminates me instantly. But also, they’re looking for someone who sounds fun and outgoing and cool, and that eliminates me even further.
But then again, I realized I had more fun putting songs together than talking about them in between. Perhaps I had a better shot working behind the scenes, but instead, I am creating monthly playlists out of the songs that catch my attention and publish them on a Substack that very few people read. Besides, that kinda worked on the old music blog.
Take CMAT. Her upcoming record Crazymad, For Me is her second, but I’ve only heard of her in the past year, when I heard “Mayday” on the radio, and subsequently put it on my May playlist. An Irish artist on an Aussie station isn’t unheard of (I mean, U2? The late Sinéad O’Connor?) but in most cases you must be either pretty compelling or pretty well-resourced to be heard outside your home country.
I already loved “Mayday”, and I noticed some more stations pick up “Have Fun!” but things really went up a notch when she released “Where Are Your Kids Tonight” last month. I already liked how she bridged the AM pop of the 70s with modern tastes, but I didn’t realized I wanted to hear her channel ABBA at their most contemplative, with a touch of Barbara Dickson.
The funny thing is, while I knew the song was bring released, I missed the actual premiere by a week. That’s another problem: I’ve been pretty busy. The return to some sort of pre-pandemic normality means I’m working left and right on in-person events, which meant less time to delve into my deepest recesses for something to write about. I suppose it’s a good thing. Less time for spiraling, more time for… waiting to spiral? I mean, yes, time blunts all wounds, but the ones I have aren’t.
In that frame I shouldn’t really like Kim Pureum’s “B4N (Bye For Now)”. I mean, I really don’t have a reason not to like her. The thing about South Korea’s indie singer-songwriters is how they are chilled without carrying that word’s clichés, if that even makes sense. I mean, the sunshine is really sunshine-y, but the winter chill is really winter chill-y.
But then, I always liked voices like hers.
(I would’ve posted the music video but they won’t let me embed it. Watch it here instead.)
While she debuted as an actress, she’s paying more attention to her music career, with a YouTube channel filled with song covers. She only released her second EP Teens a few weeks back, and already I am reminded of the early days of Bolbbalgan4, back when it was a duo and their songs captured that whimsy much more better than the by-the-numbers efforts of its current iteration as Ahn Ji-young’s solo avenue.
But then, Pureum had to end that song this way. (Forgive the grammar. That’s really how she sings it.)
I'll keep waiting for you
No matter how it takes
No matter way you are
I'll just gonna love you
And I will, for the rest of my life
Cause you're the last of my life
I was, like, sad sentiment, but no, that can’t be my sentiment, right?
If there’s one thing I realized last month, it’s that I have always battled rejection. I had friends but always felt like I was being put at arm’s length. And then I changed schools in high school, got bullied by what seemed to be the entire population, then got kicked out for doing one bad thing. That feeling lingered throughout the rest of my student life, and even as I became part of the workforce—and yes, you’re not supposed to make a lot of friends in the office, but that makes those long commutes a little easier, doesn’t it?
I suppose that’s partly why I write. I grew up in that period when people who write well still carry a cachet in the world, unlike now where the Internet is littered with “insights”. This is difficult to admit, partly because many say you shouldn’t, but I wanted people to acknowledge that I am good at something, and maybe they’ll find out that I’m good with other things, too—that I am worth their time, if we can both make it work. I remember telling a friend in the aftermath of me closing the old music blog that I missed getting validation from others because of the things I write. Perhaps it’s why I’m doing this again. It’s not just a distraction. It keeps me going.
But then, along the way, I always get passed over. I always get told I’m not good enough. And yes, for almost ten years I thought I was, but then I was told I’m not—that I’ll never be.
The chorus from “Dino’s”—the ode to the Nashville venue by Gordi and Alex Lahey, a song I somehow missed for two years even if I really like the latter—resonated with me this past month.
Being without you seems a tragedy
I don’t have words to give you now
I want to have our own vernacular
All of the things I would say but I don’t know how
For the record, I am not holding out for a reunion. I don’t want that to happen, and that’s long out of the picture. But, unfortunately, the boogeyman now represents the monster I’ve battled all my life, and that’s a bigger battle than I prepared myself for. There are only two options: learn to love myself so I don’t have to rely on what others have to say, or change so that people will choose to be with me, and stick with me. Either way, it’s an uphill climb. This is, foolishly, why I write.
This thing’s format is still clearly in flux, so the usual “why did you pick the songs in your playlist?” segment that usually shows up at this point won’t be here. (Although I did notice that there’s a handful of collaborations this month.) But then, I elaborate on those reasons on my Facebook and Instagram accounts now, too, so why not follow me on there if you want a little bit more of what I think? Only if you want to.
My next playlist drops on 18 September—which should be interesting, as that’s smack in the middle of my busiest week ever on the day job. Let’s see if I’ll adjust and release it earlier or later. Anyway, as always, your song recommendations are appreciated: nicksyoncemonthly@gmail.com is where you drop them off. Again, only if you want to.
On the playlist
Keane—“A Bad Dream”
Under the Iron Sea (2006)Mike Lindsay—“Saturday Sun” (featuring Guy Garvey)
The Endless Coloured Ways: The Songs of Nick Drake (2023)Housewife—“King of Wands”
single release (2023)Carrie Baxter—“Something in the Water”
What Now (2021)Odyssey—“Native New Yorker”
Odyssey (1977)Dilly Dally Alley—“Give Yourself Up To Yourself”
Make You Whole (2023)Nia Archives— “So Tell Me…”
Sunrise Band Ur Head Against The Wall (2023)Conjure One—“Tears From The Moon” (featuring Sinéad O’Connor)
Conjure One (2002)CMAT—“Where Are Your Kids Tonight?” (featuring John Grant)
CrazyMad, For Me (2023)Catherine Anne Davies and Bernard Butler—“The Patron Saint of the Lost Cause”
In Memory of My Feelings (2020)Faye Webster—“Better Distractions”
I Know I’m Funny haha (2021)Suede—“She’s In Fashion”
Head Music (1999)Gordi and Alex Lahey—“Dino’s”
single release (2021)Kim Pureum—“B4N (Bye For Now)”
Teens (2023)Manic Street Preachers—“I Live To Fall Asleep”
Lifeblood (2004)