Playlist #3: It's later than you think
As Joni Mitchell once sung, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. (No, that song is not on this month's playlist.)
Before we begin, I posted another website-only post on the stuff that happened to me during (but not in) the weekend of the Wanderland Music Festival and the Arctic Monkeys gig. You can read that here. But maybe read this first, because all that I wrote here happened before all that I wrote there, and I think it makes a bit more thematic sense that way. Okay? Okay.
“Cherish what you have right now. You don’t know when it will all be gone.”
I’m absolutely certain I am paraphrasing. Those words were said—okay, those thoughts were conveyed—at the beginning of February, and a lot of things have happened since.
It was a work colleague of mine who was speaking. His wife died of cancer. She already had the all-clear, but doctors said it all came back at the tail-end of last year. Everything happened so fast in her last three months, as it turns out; the couple spent it looking for a cure, and also to spend whatever time they, and their two daughters, have left together.
On the second night of the wake, he read off lyrics from Justin Bieber’s “Ghost”.
If I can’t get close to you
I’ll settle for the ghost of you
But I miss you more than life
And if you can’t be next to me
Your memory is ecstasy
I miss you more than life
I remember a few months back, when news of Mamamoo’s concert in Manila was first announced. Suddenly I was in a group chat with Dale and Allene, two friends who I have turned into fans of the group. They have surpassed me, in many respects: they’ve seen the girls live abroad, have the merchandise and the albums, all while I have fallen off the bandwagon, more or less. I actually told them I wasn’t considering going to the concert, for that and many other reasons.
I think it was Allene who convinced me otherwise. “You’ll never see them live again,” she said. She was right. The members were focusing on their solo careers. Wheein had actually left the agency, and is only tied to Mamamoo until at least this year. Who’s to know if I’ll have another chance to see them together on stage?
That same day Dale hatched the idea of us wearing the orange jumpsuits they wore for the “Taller Than You” music video. She figured everyone would go for radish onesies or Teletubbies costumes, so why not go for something different?
She was right. While only a few would show up in costumes—it was easier to wear something that’s colored like a daikon—only one other person, as far as we know, had the same idea. But of course, if you’ve read my entry on the concert itself, you know what happened…
I suppose that made the afternoon my sister and I spent hunting for fabric and patches at the mall—and, a week later, the evening we spent putting the whole thing together—worth it. That said, looking back, I’ll never understand why I thought it would be easy to make my own (handwritten) patches referencing Mamamoo lyrics. But I suppose you do what you can with the time that you do have. I suppose I was willing to take the extra mile I don’t usually take because I knew there would be few, if any, chances to do so in the future. For the most part, we don’t know that, though. Next thing we know, it’s all over.
“I choose to live my life, rather than stay with you and want to die.”
I’m not quoting, but considering this was one of the ex’s many (many) reasons for breaking up with me, I’m no longer sure if I’m actually saying it right. But I’m certain she did say that. I remember a year prior, when she attempted to overdose on antidepressants and I had to force her to go to the ER. All this time, I was the reason why she tried to take her own life? We were hitting ten years and she felt we were going nowhere. She felt she was running out of time. She wanted to do the things she’s always wanted to do. She wanted to be the person she said she killed because she met me and we got together.
I suppose I’m not completely in the clear here. I have been cautious all my life. You can say I’m afraid to the point of paralysis. I’ll say I just want to be absolutely sure everything is in place before I proceed. It’s difficult to start a life together if you’re in shaky ground, or you’re both in unequal footing, after all. I remember attending tryouts for a newspaper lifestyle section and I wrote something about taking things slow, about not rushing into things just because they felt right at the time. The “YOLO” ethos became a thing in the following years. I was clearly out of step with everyone else.
February was hard. I mean, of course. It’s February. I’m lucky I had a few distractions. Well, it was mostly the Mamamoo concert, and me offering to drive my friends, and me figuring out the logistics for that, and me writing all those entries for the Once Monthly. You know what they say about going back to the songs, the TV shows, the films you enjoyed, as a sort of comfort blanket, something familiar to hold on to when everything is uncertain. (Case in point: my radio listening shifting from 6 Music to Radio 2.) That works for a while, but then and again—setting aside the whole “there will always be two versions of the truth” thing—I will find myself agonizing over why she seems so at peace with hurting me in pursuit of her happiness.
The next thing I know, she’s already engaged.
But I’m here for the songs, Nicksy.
I thought this month’s playlist would be easy to put together, until I realized I had another theme going on, and damn it, weren’t you supposed to avoid making themed playlists, Nicksy? I suppose that’s what happens when your thoughts get the best of you. You hear songs that you’ve listened to before and suddenly they hit differently. Take Taeyeon’s “What Do I Call You”. I never expected that song to literally speak to me.
Considering this playlist covers the Mamamoo concert, I was expecting it to have more K-pop than usual—but I didn’t expect it to only have one song from the group. (My apologies to “I Love Too”, the song we raised our banners to, and to Moonbyul’s “Selfish”.) Instead I have “Lalala Song” from the second season of Sister’s Slam Dunk, a Korean variety series that saw the creation of a new girl group from unlikely celebrities. I rewatched that show to get in the headspace, so to speak. I also threw in Lovelyz’ quite lovely “Destiny” in, for reasons you probably would know if you follow me on Facebook.
The challenge with making these playlists, at least to me, is including my favorite new releases of the past month without making it look like they were shoehorned in solely because they’re new. I’ve been enjoying My 21st Century Blues, the first full-length from British singer Raye. It isn’t afraid to swing for the fences, and for the most part it’s a thrill. (Take “Environmental Anxiety”, which goes anywhere and everywhere without making it sound like you’re the one who’s lost.) But my weakness for horn sections meant I chose “Worth It” for the playlist.
I’ve been indulging that “organic” side to my music tastes, which also explains the inclusion of WILSN’s “Hurts So Bad”—specifically the folksier version with blues musician Josh Teskey—and the just-released studio version of Whitney fan favorite “For A While”. I also include the first single from Fenne Lily’s upcoming new album: I have heard of her but haven’t really listened to her, so I should get on it.
The other side—the side that makes me feel old—is the pop side. Yes, Raye falls in that category too. Also, Gorillaz’s new album, Cracker Island. It just feels more bound to this moment than their previous releases, which either means pop has caught up to them, or I have entered their hazy dream state. Still, it’s a good pop album, and it gets to the point. Korean-Canadian singer Luna Li also is in the same vein, although her debut full-length Duality dropped last year. Or maybe it’s because I literally woke up to “Flower (In Full Bloom)” on the radio and everything felt extra hazy.
Unless I end up writing another one of those extra entries—and I do have at least one planned—the next email you’ll get is a playlist, and it will go live on 17 April. And you can always email me a song recommendation at nicksyoncemonthly@gmail.com.
On the playlist
The Association—“Cherish”
And Then… Along Comes the Association (1966)Unnies—“Lalala Song”
Sister’s Slam Dunk Season 2 (2017)Puffy AmiYumi—“Joining A Fan Club”
Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi (2005)Mamamoo—“1cm의 자존심” (Taller Than You)
Melting (2016)Paramore—“Running Out Of Time”
This Is Why (2023)The Killers—“Mr. Brightside”
Hot Fuss (2004)Lovelyz—“Destiny”
A New Trilogy (2016)Fenne Lily—“Lights Light Up”
Big Picture (2023)Raye—“Worth It”
My 21st Century Blues (2023)Luna Li—“Flower (In Full Bloom)” (featuring Dreamer Isioma)
Duality (2022)Gorillaz—“Tarantula”
Cracker Island (2023)Whitney—“For A While”
single release (2023)WILSN—“Hurts So Bad” (featuring Josh Teskey)
Those Days Are Over (2023)Justin Bieber—“Ghost”
Justice (2021)Inhaler—“If You’re Gonna Break My Heart”
Cuts and Bruises (2023)Taeyeon—“What Do I Call You”
What Do I Call You (2020)Blur—“Out Of Time”
Think Tank (2003)