Playlist #2: Set adrift on thoughts of domestic bliss
I'm at that point in my life when I entertain thoughts of slowing the pace and settling down, but clearly it's not for everybody.
Before we start, I wrote an extra something last week which I didn’t send out through email, partly as an experiment, and partly because I felt you were getting tired of all the Mamamoo coverage I was doing. You can read my take on their Manila concert, and why it’s objectively a spiritual experience, on the website. Okay? Okay. Leggo.
As a five-year-old, I always thought life went in a linear manner. You go to elementary school. You go to high school. You go to college. You get a girlfriend. You get married. You start a family.
Of course, that was a really simplistic view. I say this as an unmarried 34-year-old, part of a generation where opportunities are few unless you hustle to the death, or are incredibly well-connected, or are born into the right people. But then it’s clear, as you grow up and become more aware, that there is more than one way of doing things, and what is important is that what you do feels right for you, and where you are, and what your priorities are. I have peers who are knee-deep in their careers, and I have peers who are now happily settled down.
But then, you know peer pressure. You feel like you’re being left behind because everyone does something else. It doesn’t help that I always felt different from the others, partly because I embraced it, but mostly because they made me feel that way. My lifelong struggle is to look for a circle I can call my own.
I can’t say the same for my younger brother. By that, I mean I can’t say he made me feel different, but that’s because we grew up together. As the eldest of three siblings I have a good sense of how different things were when I was five, compared to when he was five. He was bound to be slightly different. He grew up at a time when my family was more better off. He went to a different school, in a different part of the city. He was exposed to different people. Inevitably he would be equipped with skills and insights that I would never have. I don’t begrudge him for that, though. In a weird way, I kind of look up to him, the way I assume (and sometimes can’t believe) he looks up to me as an older brother who, in some ways, paved the way for him.
He got married last month. First marriage in the family. So that wrecks five-year-old Niko’s impressions of life as a linear roadmap.
It was a beautiful wedding, and I don’t say that as his older brother. It takes some mad dedication to put together your own wedding—although he and my now sister-in-law did leave the minute-by-minute running to coordinators—at the height of the pandemic, even. In some ways, I thought I could never pull something like that off. I imagine I’d be the one who’d be very stressed, not like my brother, who’s the one taking charge when his bride gets stuck with the details. I suppose that’s why I am where I am right now.
As I watched the genuinely good same-day edit wedding video—I emphasize genuinely good because, in every other case, they are boring, predictable and mostly pointless—and listened to the newlyweds talk about how they find home in each other, my thoughts went to how people grapple with the idea of domestic bliss. Clearly it isn’t for everyone, otherwise more of my peers would be happily settled down now. I myself haven’t thought much about it, but I know it’s nice to be able to go to someone at the end of the day and just talk about how it’s been. Being told you’re not deserving of that is a slap in the face you don’t just recover from.
But then, domestic bliss isn’t necessarily about being with someone at the end of the day. At least some would argue that. I’ve talked to some friends who are living alone and managing. Sometimes I do. I drown myself in logistics. I figure out what to cook, and how to cook it. I treat myself more often. But then, the loneliness—especially now that it’s still raw—is very bothersome. I have many stories, and no one to tell them to. And I’m now in that age where everyone you considered a friend is too busy and (understandably) has other priorities. It sucks more that I never had a circle I could just talk to. You have to arrange everything. It sucks. It sucks that I feel discarded. It sucks that I feel needy. It sucks that I am told that I have to enjoy my own company before I can be worthy of others’.
At the end of the day, I am just tired, still figuring out how to live alone and not be lonely most of the time. Others move on as quickly as possible. I take my time.
What about the songs, Nicksy?
The plan was always to feature new releases from the past month, and considering how I didn’t do that in the last playlist, I took extra care to do it this time.
If you’ve been following me on social media—follow me on Facebook and Twitter, if you’re still on there—you’d know that I’ve been looking forward to Kimbra’s new album A Reckoning. She didn’t disappoint. It’s beautiful and raw and somehow more accessible than before. Unfortunately the entire record managed to speak about me and this whole situation I’ve been in. (Note to self: nobody cares about your break-up, Niko. Stop writing about it.) So, beautiful, but bittersweet—and so resonant that I find myself including two of her songs on this month’s playlist.
The other new release I’ve been rotating is the surprise album from Belle and Sebastian. Late Developers manages to merge their twee sensibilities with the dance-y direction they took on their 2015 record Girls in Peacetime Want to Dance. Yes, clearly I’m thinking of the lead single, “I Don’t Know What You See In Me”, but I particularly like “The Evening Star”, which sits between all those stools comfortably despite the potential awkwardness.
The inclusion of several anisong tracks shouldn’t be a surprise as well. Have you seen my Hyperfocus entry from a few weeks back? You’d know I’ve been obsessed with Kessoku Band’s “If I Could Be A Constellation”. I also mentioned Gen Hoshino’s “Comedy” there. Both tracks—theme tunes to two of the biggest anime releases of 2022, Bocchi the Rock! and Spy × Family respectively—speak of our innate yearning for connection. I do have domestic bliss in my head, and that reflects in most of the other songs I picked. Take (literally in this case) Alice Peacock’s “Bliss”, a song that one radio station here in Manila put on high rotation back when I was an impressionable high schooler. Or the inclusion of two oldies that have always reverberated in my head: the Association’s “Never My Love” and Neil Sedaka’s “Laughter in the Rain”.
And then there are the songs that I threw in because of the wedding. My brother and sister-in-law’s first concert is a Harry Styles one, but I decided to include One Direction’s “History” instead, in part because that song played as I drove to his bachelor’s party last December. I would’ve thrown in Shania Twain’s “You’re Still The One”—the first song that played when the couple chose to shuffle a cheesy romantic playlist on Spotify—but I’m instead going for Lake Street Dive’s cover, partly because it’s good, and partly because I really want to squeeze in the Glee version of the Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love”, and I felt it made for a good transition.
Finally, the last two songs hit me at the right time. I haven’t explored Steven Wilson’s stuff yet (there is a lot, across multiple projects) but “12 Things I Forgot” played early in the month and I instantly, figuratively, bubbled up. It’s the apology I know I deserve, and I know I will never get. That segues nicely to the closing song, which also elicited the same reaction a few weeks later: Supergrass’ “Moving”. It is about touring, Gaz Coombes said, but, as I said last month, everything is a love song.
By the way, should I merge this section back into the main essay? I still don’t think I have fully figured out my format yet. Anyway, the next playlist should go live on 20 March, and inevitably, despite all my countermeasures, it will still tackle a bit of Mamamoo’s Manila concert. I’m sorry. I’m trying!
On the playlist
Belle and Sebastian—“I Don’t Know What You See In Me”
Late Developers (2023)Kessoku Band—「星座になれたら」 (If I Could Be A Constellation)
Kessoku Band (2022)Lake Street Dive—“You’re Still The One”
Fun Machine: The Sequel (2022)Lea Michele—“How Deep Is Your Love” (Glee version)
single release (2012)Gen Hoshino—「喜劇」 (Comedy)
single release (2022)One Direction—“History”
Made in the A.M. (2015)Alice Peacock—“Bliss”
Alice Peacock (2002)Neil Sedaka—“Laughter in the Rain”
Laughter in the Rain (1974)The Association—“Never My Love”
Insight Out (1967)Razorlight—“Somewhere Else”
Up All Night (2004)Paramore—“C’est Comme Ça”
This Is Why (2023)Michelle Branch—“Are You Happy Now?”
Hotel Paper (2003)Kimbra—“Gun”
A Reckoning (2023)Kimbra—“Foolish Thinking” (featuring Ryan Lott)
A Reckoning (2023)Steven Wilson—“12 Things I Forgot”
The Future Bites (2021)Supergrass—“Moving”
Supergrass (1999)