Playlist #10: No one cares about your confessionals, Nicksy
Luckily, I did a lot of other things too. That should be interesting... right?
“You have to take care that this doesn’t turn into a break-up blog,” Miro told me.
Well, isn’t it too late for that? I mean, it seemed like a good idea at a time, becoming a little more personal with why I picked the songs I put on my playlists. Frankly, though, I am getting tired of it. Maybe it’s society’s expectation that heartbroken people “move on”, never mind the whole grieving process, never mind that I’m not really grieving the relationship anymore as much as grieving what I never really had all along. You know, things that are only clear in hindsight. But enough of that.
Or so I wish, because Olivia Rodrigo dropped Guts last month.
I remember when “Driver’s License” first dropped. I think I had a really good listen to it while walking alone looking for this specific sisig place because we both suddenly craved for it and all delivery drivers were busy. As a person who pretty much missed the boat on Taylor Swift, that song was an epiphany for me: how it’s both raw and dramatic, and plays both qualities to such striking effect.
So, of course, I looked forward to her follow-up, Guts. “Vampire” did not hit as much, frankly, but then it didn’t have to, because Sour already established Olivia’s reputation for a slightly harder-edged take on confessional storytelling. And the new album was filled with that: teenage anthems that are very much 2023 but curiously remind me of Nick Lowe.
That is, until I came to “The Grudge”.
A friend warned me about it, as you can see up top. Fair warning. Maybe it’s because I finally experienced these things, but I’m amazed at how few songs are out there that seem to speak my exact story. The fact that it’s an Olivia Rodrigo song amazed me even more. But then, these things tend to be more universal than we expect, right?
And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did
But I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it
My undying love, now I hold it like a grudge
And I hear your voice every time I think I’m not enough
And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream
How could anybody do the things you did so easily
And I say I don’t care, I say that I’m fine
But you know I can’t let it go
I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried for so long
It takes strength to forgive but I don’t feel strong
The only other song that comes to mind is the Beths’ “Expert in a Dying Field”—it’s on Playlist #1 for a reason—but that song, I could play over and over again. “The Grudge”, I can’t.
But then, I don’t have to. As I mentioned last month, September is the busiest month in my calendar: there’s a really big event for the day job and I essentially juggle five duties and end up like a zombie. There’s nothing better if you want to avoid pondering the collapse that happened exactly a year ago.
Now, the heaviest work happens just before the event, but even if on the day itself I am seated firmly with the production team and calling the shots, you still have to keep alert—just when your body starts to give up. I may have developed a technique to mitigate it. Cats supposedly purr to comfort and perhaps heal themselves, and while I am no cat, I have a cat, and whenever he asks for my attention while I’m in the middle of a Zoom call or an important meeting, I get down on all fours and, more or less, make a sound that is supposedly similar to purring.
My pre-event warm-up routine, then: I put earphones on, without playing anything, and make that purring sound. It oddly works, like those breathing exercises I did when I found myself enrolling to swimming classes against my will. And then, to hype myself up, I would put on a song. In the two weeks before the event, it was AKB48’s “Heavy Rotation”, but for the event itself, I switched to a later single, “High Tension”.
I mean, it’s a toe-tapper. Translate the lyrics, and you realize it’s pretty much a motivational song. Crucially, it’s a song designed to appeal to everyone. I mean, it’s popular enough to be covered by all the other Group 48 groups across the globe, including the one based here in Manila. Yes, that exists, I must remind myself…
Apart from those two, I’ll admit, this month’s playlist is a little more random. Don’t get me wrong. I like it, and I think it’s also coherent. But I was doing a lot of things, so it might feel all thrown together. I have a couple of Japanese tracks in there (still very much enamored by Ai Tomioka’s voice from last month) and more stuff that can classify as pop (I genuinely like the Gretta Ray track I included this month). And then there are the stuff I came across and/or was reminded of because I am going to Singapore. Actually, by the time you read this, I am in Singapore. A work thing, but still: I haven’t been here in seven years, and I used to really love this city until Hong Kong took the title away.
I have this habit of listening to radio stations from the country I am going to for weeks before I go there. I chose an oldies station this time (which explains the Gilbert O’Sullivan inclusion) but I am highlighting Inch’s “Mousedeer”. I watched her perform this live when she was in the country for a Bandwagon event back in 2016, and many years later, her approximating the sound of the birds that inspired the song—I recall Letters to Ubin is inspired by Singapore’s “granite island”, one of the little red dot’s last remaining rural areas—still pops up in my head.
On the sidelines of that concert, in between wrangling a bean bag and keeping a former partner awake, I said hello to her, and we shook hands, and she apologized because it was wet. “I just washed my hands,” she said.
I remember this story because the exact same thing happened on the sidelines of the big event I was working on. Both instances, I thought, “I just automatically assume you came from the sink.” No malice. That comes much easier than the other option.
I have been disconnected with Singaporean indie since I closed the old music blog and Lush 99.5 turned its transmitters off, so I honestly don’t know where to start again. But that’s a concern for next month’s playlist, because that covers October. Fingers crossed there are no confessionals and more of the music. I told you, I am tired of it, too. But, one, I thought Substack seemed fine with more personal writing. And two, I don’t have a choice, do I?
My next playlist drops on 20 November. I don’t know if I’m out of the country by this time as well, but we’ll see. Got a song recommendation? Get in touch through my socials—where I also explain some of the other song choices I made this month—or email me at nicksyoncemonthly@gmail.com.
On the playlist
Gracenote—“Taong Robot”
single release (2023)AKB48—「ハイテンション」 (High Tension)
Thumbnail (2017)Gretta Ray—“Don’t Date The Teenager”
Positive Spin (2023)Maisie Peters—“Lost the Breakup”
The Good Witch (2023)Somei—「憂う門には福来たる」 (Joy Comes to the Gate of Sorrow)
Joy Comes to the Gate of Sorrow (2023)Fleece—“Do You Wanna Party”
single release (2023)Soccer Mommy—“I’m Only Me When I’m With You”
Karaoke Night (2023)cignature—“안녕, 인사해” (Smooth Sailing)
Us in the Summer (2023)grentperez—“Ego”
Trail Mix Tape (2022)Iraina Mancini—“My Umbrella”
Into the Blue (2023)Inch—“Mousedeer”
Letters to Ubin (2015)Blur—“Barbaric”
The Ballad of Darren (2023)Olivia Rodrigo—“The Grudge”
Guts (2023)Laufey—“Dreamer”
Bewitched (2023)Ai Tomioka—“Good Bye Bye (Eye to Eye)”
single release (2023)Billlie—“BYOB (Bring Your Own Best Friend)”
single release (2023)Gilbert O’Sullivan—“Alone Again (Naturally)”
Back to Front (1971)